- I didn't realize until Knox was 8 weeks old that I was supposed to be assisting him in taking naps. I thought if he needed to sleep, he would just sleep
- At 8 weeks and on the advice from new moms, I decided to put Knox on a schedule. And so "Buddy Boot Camp" was born and it became my life
- The bad thing about a schedule is that it ALWAYS changes and during the transition period I am a wreck
- And then I worry what daylight savings time will do to this schedule
- I know what you're all thinking..."she has really thought about that?"
- Yes, sadly I have and that was extremely difficult to admit
- I'm so worried about what his schedule will be the next day that I don't enjoy that fact that my baby has slept from 8pm-6:30am since he was 2 months old
- That is not the best part. After he eats he goes back down until 9am. Instead of being grateful, I of course am worried that he is now getting TOO MUCH sleep
- The books say a baby this age should be waking up somewhere between 6:30-8am. I wonder if something is wrong with my child because he sleeps so long
- Maybe it's my fault for making him go back down
- But I need the extra sleep
- Sometimes if I think Knox has been sleeping too long and that it will interfere with his schedule, I will wake him up (terrible, terrible, terrible)
- How do I expect him to transition if I won't let him do his own thing
- But this makes me nervous
- And I realize how ridiculous it seems
- Slowly but surely, I am starting to trust that Know will not die if he misses a nap or feeding
- But wonder if I will, because apparently change is hard for me
- This must be why I am meant to be a mother
- After 3 months of being healthy, I am barely starting to believe that Knox will be fine and we won't have any more serious problems
- I sometimes think the reason I worry so much is because Knox had such a rough start and I may have some post-traumatic stress issues I need to work through
- But then I wonder if I'd be this way no matter what
- I like the first thought better, it was definitely because of his hospital stays
- I worry about naps and feedings, but haven't worried two bits about SIDS
- Where are my priorities
- I thought I would want to go back to work
- I learned quickly that I do not
- But sometimes question that feeling because I miss the outside interaction a lot
- I mean A LOT
- I wouldn't however change for a minute the conversations I have with my 5-month-old instead
- Even though I know I give Knox more love then he probably needs, I still wonder if I'm a good enough mother
- And if I deserve such a wonderful baby
- My new motto as a mother is to "just let go"
- And enjoy every minute with this little man
- It's easier said than done
- But every day I get better
- So I must realize as a new mother, I know nothing
- And I accept that
- There is also a possibility I am the only mother who feels these things
- And may look like a total weirdo for sharing
- But I'll accept that too
Summer '25
6 months ago
20 comments:
All your worries are completely justified and normal! What all this shows is how much you love and care about your little guy! Knox is soooo lucky to have you as his mama.
You are so like I was with my first baby. I was a wreck about everything. One time when my first was a baby he got the flu and had a really high fever and when I read what it was I am not even kidding you I passed out! I started having panic attacks and had to get medication for them. Yep I think im a bigger basket case than you think you are :D The next one will be cake and you will think what in the heck did i freak out so much about with my first kid!! I think its cute how much you worry about him. You sisters right, it just shows how much you love him!!
I remember all the wondering and worrying of what is right and what is not. Then I just figured I would learn by trial and error. My kids turned out all right. Yours will too. ;)
I totally agree with the post traumatic stress thing. That is probably surely the reason you find yourself feeling physco. No other reason none at all. :)
This totally reminded me of myself!! I am the biggest worrier. I'm so glad to know another new mom feels the same way. Now that Jocelyn is almost, gulp, a year and 1/2, I am slowly getting over my huge worry about everything. That being said, I still check on her before I go to sleep at night, worry that she is underweight, worry that I don't play with her enough, worry when she misses a nap, etc. Can you really blame a mom for loving her baby "too" much!?
I love this post! As a first time mom, I have totally been feeling the same way. Especially with the nap/sleep thing. I was always so frustrated with the whole they should be taking x naps at this time, so what they turn the next month old and all the sudden you just change them to a different nap schedule? So hectic. I stopped reading books because they freaked me out. I am a little dramatic when it comes to things like this. I like your motto though....Wyatt is still alive and steems to be healthy and striving. Books smooks. (I will probably be reading more articles later.....haha) Anyway, Knox is seriously so cute! I can't wait to see him in person some day.
suz all i can say is you are doing much much better then me! Kambria is almost 4 months old and DOES NOT sleep we tried the whole eat then play then sleep routine and nope doesnt work we tried letting her cry it out to sleep nope that doesnt work either so as far as the whole new mother goes i'm doing not so hot myself! So you are definately more then one step ahead of us if Knox sleeps like that i am SUPER JEALOUS!! ENJOY my friend and tell me how you are getting him to do that causee i'm DYING with no sleep!!
Copycat! I am TOTALLY flattered. And now you have led me to your blog...I can read all about your life! :)
I love your confessional...I think it is hard with your first, everything is so 'by the book' and I remember people giving me weird looks when Savannah wasn't walking at one, cut her top tooth first instead of her bottom, etc, etc, etc. I wanted her to be healthy and 'normal' and I also thought it was a reflection of what type of mother I was.
Well, you're not the only one who wonders if she is a good mom, and it's not only normal, but totally necessary to have something outside of your children that makes you feel like 'you.' (If you ever want to hang out, give me a call, I would love it!)
Dito and thanks I really needed to hear this tonight. Love ya!
This is like the best post I have ever read! Wow I love how you admit everything. I am so much like you I am the most stressful worrisome person you would ever meet and I have Abby on a schedule to the tee and everyone makes fun of me for that. Now I am worried about day light savings...I didn't think of that one. lol
It's totally normal! :) I am on my third babe and I still worry myself sick about sleep, eating and all sorts of mumbo jumbo. And I am a scheduling freak, FREAK I tell ya, everyone teases me about it but hey, that's how I've learned to survive being a young mother of three small children. The only problem is when this so called "schedule" gets messed up, like you, I don't do so well. But, I will say, after three kids I'm learning to go more with the flow if it doesn't happen exactly how I think it should. So just know that there is still hope for you Suzy, it will get better and I know you're a great little mommy to that sweet little guy of yours! :) I should write a confessional post about my worries as a Mother, it seems to be theraputic.....except mine would go on for at least 6 posts I'm sure! When you add OCD and anxiety into the mix it's not pretty! :)
Suz, you couldnt have said it any better. I will admit that I have the same thoughts. Being a first time mom, you just figure it out. I am sure you are such a good mom!
Here's a nice little confession of mine: When drew was 4 or 5 months I made a sleep/eat schedule SPREADSHEET on my friggin computer. I am a freak. You are not. It get's easier to let things go I promise. Love you Suz!!
Suz I'm sitting here reading this and want to just cry. Being a mom is HARD work. Let's face it, it just is. It's a huge responsibility to be in charge of your child's physical, mental, and spiritual needs. I have had so many feelings of self doubt since I've become a mother. "Am I doing it right?" "Are my babies getting what they need?" And it's way hard to lose that outside connection with the world...but it's the best joy I've ever experienced. And I'm learning too that just letting go, trusting in the Lord and doing the best I can is good enough. I want to enjoy these boys before they are all grown up. It goes by so fast. Thanks for sharing your feelings.
Suz- I love this post. I have felt so many of these same feelings. I think it is natural to be concerned about the wellbeing of something you love you much. I read this book a few weeks ago that I loved...if you are interested- "I AM A MOTHER". written by Jane Clayson Johnson. Hope you are well! Oh yeah, and about the waking your kid up thing, I do the same things- I always think I have got to get this kid to sleep and then I worry that they are sleeping too long..what the heck?
I really liked confessions - Suzy style :) Thanks for hanging out with us tonight!
oh suzy, I love it. I can tell you are such a good mom from just the way you talk about Knox. He is one big handsome boy! Just remember every baby is so different, and what works for him won't work next time. You just gotta go with the flow;)
Okay, all you wonderful "young" mothers need to stop what you are doing right now and taking a calming, cleansing breath... good. Now, listen to an "older" mother...YOU ARE DOING JUST FINE!!!
My only advise for you is to enjoy this time of your life. Really. I am sure you have heard it before, but take my word for it, the time goes by way too fast and pretty soon they are too big to snuggle up in your arms. If you are lucky, they may want to sit by you on the couch. Sometimes. If you have a bag of chips or bag of licorice.
The time to start worrying is when they are old enough to make their own decisions about life. You just hope and pray that you have taught them all that they need to know to make the best decisions they can. And then you find out that your 13-year old doesn't know what the Word of Wisdom is! Are you sure? I am pretty sure that we covered that...
So, please, please, I beg of all of you, don't think twice when your baby sleeps longer than the "experts" say they should or if they are off schedule. Just think to yourself, "at least they can't decide that they want bright green hair for back-to-school...yet."
I loved these insights. THanks girl!
let's face it being a mommy is HARD WORK! In the end it all comes down to what works for ya. Your a great mom and you love you little man. Really that is all the GOd expects from us, love you little one and teach him what is most important in this life and the rest is fluff. God make up for the parts that we can't do because he loves our little ones even more than even we do:) I was wondering how Sharla went, if she was able to help at all. Let me know:)
do i have to be a mom to post?? suze, i LOVE your post! what a good way to get it all out. i have seen firsthand, that you are a world-class mom! keep up all the hard work and worrying! :)
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