Okay, okay

So there are about a million other things I've been trying to find the time to blog about, but I just can't shake this nagging that has been bothering me the past few days to blog on this topic. I've been fighting it but every morning it keeps bothering me and I have no idea why or for who I may need to share this but I decided I'd rather be safe than sorry :) So, here I am to share my experience, something I never in a bazillion years thought I'd ever do.

When I gave birth to Knox it was amazing. I was so excited to finally get to be a mother after the time it took for us to get him here! I had read every book and prepared his room months in advance. I expected late night feedings, long hours of crying, and lots of bonding time with my baby. I did not expect to spend the first 6 weeks with my baby watching him fight for his life. I did not expect to leave my baby at the hospital when I left. I did not expect to get postpartum depression.

The first 4 weeks I was feeling like we could conquer anything. I woke up, showered, and headed off to the hospital daily. I was healing well from my c-section and felt like we had just hit a bump and it was no big deal, he'd be home in a few weeks and life would return as normal. I laughed with the nurses, chatted with my friends and family, and felt grateful for how lucky we'd been to have Knox still with us. We had finally got Knox home from the hospital for the third time and I was panicked that he would end back up there. We'd been home twice before and each time it only lasted a few days before something scary happened. I almost felt more comfortable in the hospital, I had a strange longing to go back. I didn't dare have this fragile baby home, I wanted him in a safe place where I didn't have to worry about catching something else before it got too bad. I knew these were normal feelings though and that with time, I'd feel more confident that he would be okay.

I remember this night like it was yesterday and it will forever be ingrained in my memory. I woke up in a panic and didn't know why, I looked at the clock and it was 2am. I tried and tried to go back to sleep but my heart was racing. I didn't know what was happening. I got up and checked on Knox, he was fine. I climbed back in bed and just started bawling. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I went out to the couch so I wouldn't wake up Dave and I cried for 2 straight hours. I was scared. Why was I feeling so much anxiety? Finally I went back in to bed at about 4am still bawling, like full sobs bawling. Dave must have heard me and turned and asked me if I had a bloody nose...ha ha. Every story needs some comedic humor and Dave usually provides that. I told him I had no idea what was going on but my heart was racing and I couldn't sleep. That is where it began, I went 2 full days with no sleep and my heart was racing out of my chest. The world seemed to be out of control. I knew these were not normal feelings.

I guess I should say that I did not get so much depressed, as I did anxious. I couldn't sleep, eat, or function. My poor husband and sisters got to watch me fall apart. If it weren't for them I'm not sure what I would have done. It got a lot worse before it got better. I tried everything. I tried sleep meds but my anxiety was so bad it overpowered everything. I read everything I could find online on what I could do. I went on walks every day hoping the sunshine and exercise would chase it away. It was a dark time and honestly, the worst feeling was wondering if I'd feel like this way for the rest of my life. I was desperate and would have done anything to make it go away.

Slowly I improved. I would feel fine and then one day I'd stop sleeping again. I'd say it went on for about 6 months before I felt like I was consistently coming out of it. It was the scariest thing I've ever been through. I was so embarrassed. I had a lot of friends having babies at the same time and would watch them and wonder what in the world was wrong with me. I didn't feel at all like myself. I didn't laugh or find humor in anything. I couldn't watch a movie or stay in a conversation. My head was fuzzy and all over the place. I stayed home and kept to myself because I didn't want anyone to know what was going on or how bad it really was. I was scared I'd never have any more kids because I knew I couldn't go through this again. I must admit, I had a serious stigma about some mental illnesses before this so I didn't want to be the crazy one that I used to look at and think, "just cheer up, get some exercise, laugh a little, eat healthy, say your prayers". The light did start to shine again and with some help, I was able to feel like myself again at about 6 months. I wish I'd got help earlier.

Fast forward to when I got pregnant with Wes. I was scared to death. It hadn't been long enough for my memory to forget that time. I cried and cried. Not because I didn't want another baby, but because I was so scared that I'd end up there again. Fortunately, this time around I got to be one of those mom's I stared at longingly before. I didn't have an ounce of postpartum this time. Not even the baby blues. I realized that I had a lot of triggers with Knox that set me up perfectly for that. I should have seen the warning signs or listened to the workers at the hospital who told me what to look for. I can't believe how much different my second time has been. I feel like I can have 10 babies now!

Although I will say that was the most difficult time in my life, I am grateful for experiencing that. It taught me a lot. I can say I have been through both ends of the spectrum. I know I can get through anything but also realized I am not invincible and need help sometimes. It humbled me and I think made me a much better mom, friend, and person. My heart aches for any other mom experiencing this and I wish more talked about it. I felt so alone and scared and then here I have been the last few days telling myself there was no way I was going to share this because I was still too embarrassed! That is helping no one and I feel we go through our trials so that we can help others. So, I don't know if there is some person out there struggling and that is why I felt the need to share but regardless, I am forcing myself to no longer be embarrassed.

Too late for that anyway, I just posted this on my blog :)